fingerprints

Well for an update… we got our biometrics appointment in the mail from the USCIS for May 20. I have recently been on a "check every adoption timeline from China I can find" kick, and saw on numerous occasions that people just walked in early and were often taken before their appointment to go ahead and get it done. So instead of the 20th, we went in on the 9th. They saw us within 10 minutes and we were on our way.

This process feels like pregnancy in many ways. There are significant things that happen throughout.. milestones to mark. Instead of ultrasounds there are appointments and paperwork put in the mail. Instead of feeling a flutter or a kick I feel jumps of joy when an email comes or a call is made. Anything to bring us closer to our baby. I've started to envision my days with four. I imagine him here with us in all the things we do.

At the same time that there is a steady growth of love and excitement, there is also a steady growth of sadness. I am so sad. When I really just sit with it and feel it… such deep sorrow. Sorrow for my baby's birth mom. Sad for his loss. Her loss. Sad for my loss. Of time. Of baby snuggles and diaper changes. Of smiles and soothing cries.

Awhile ago I read this:

"Adoption is a redemptive response to tragedy that happens in this broken world." - Katie Davis, Kisses from Katie

It feels like a tragedy. It feels like joy. It feels like sorrow. It feels like awe. It feels like the unknown. It feels like excited anticipation. It feels like love. It feels like a lot of things that leave me praying, "I trust you Lord."

In other news. Spiderman was so worn out from saving the world that he fell asleep in the car. With a straw in his mouth.