stealing joy

i've been thinking this evening about the enemy stealing my joy. thinking about how i allow it too often. so many moments of my past days have been a choice. i can choose joy or i can choose anger, frustration, selfishness, control. control, o control, how you tempt me and take me in a downward spiral.

as if i can actually control anything in the first place. as if i would truly want to. when if i could i would only make a mess of things.

yet continually i try to cling to it. i cling to control when someone wants to get glitter out and i'm desperately trying to pay the bills that are (some) overdue and (others) due today or tomorrow. i cling to it when one, or two, or all three little ones talk back for the tenth, or frankly, even the first time in the day and my volume and sarcasm gets louder and louder until i guilt someone to tears. i cling to it when i step on a toy and about kick it out the window because the clutter is making my insides tick like a time bomb.

i want to control it. the mess. the arguments. the way they talk. the way they play. the volume of their voices. the way my house looks. the way we eat. the way we drink. the way they feel. the way they react. anything. everything. my flesh is constantly rising to try to fight a battle with my Lord for control.

and truly i am sick and tired of it. some days it seems to be draining the life out of me.

i want to be parenting grace and not shame. thankfully forgiveness is so easily given by my kids. i suppose it is a good thing to model asking for forgiveness. i just hope to do it less and less as the days go by.

so what then is the answer? trying harder to not want control? no that's certainly not it because then i fall into the performance trap and am just guilted and shamed when i will inevitably fail tomorrow.

loving Jesus. doing whatever it is moment by moment that brings me to see Him more clearly, know Him more deeply, feel Him more truly.

move when He prompts me. be quiet when He calms me. don't speak when He nudges me to silence. listen when He speaks to me. read when He calls me to His Word. abide.

abide.

"i am the vine; you are the branches. whoever abides in me and i in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
john 15:5

abide in Him. walk with Him. talk with Him. cry to Him. converse with Him. laugh to Him. pray to Him. listen to Him. be still with Him.

my joy will not be stolen. this battle has been won. Jesus did it for me. remember that. remember that. remember that. and this is why i need the gospel every day. this is why i need to read it everyday. breathe it everyday. because i forget so easily. and He is so gracious.

my girls are about to be six. six years old. how did that happen? Jesus help me find and take joy in these moments.