spanking and crying

i completely agree with this post. i have been thinking many of those same things lately. i've started to view this blog as a journal, except that other people can read it, which is odd. at the same time, i think it's good others can read it, because i know some of the encouragement that i have gotten from others through this form of writing. i was originally wanting to have an individual journal for each of my kids, that i wrote in periodically, to give to them one day when they are grown up (like when they get married or something), but i end up just looking over at them and thinking, "i need to write in those..." and never getting to it and feeling badly that i never get to it, and then forgetting whatever it was i wanted to remember to write down in the first place. then i jot it on a piece of paper somewhere. then i loose that piece of paper in the never-ending stacks that pile around my counter. and then they are gone. some of the little things. some of the things i thought. the things they said. i love the sentiment of hand written words. letters are such a beautiful thing. but for now, i am officially sticking with quick. better than nothing i say, considering i just don't have the time to write in three different journals.

and while i am on it, i want to be honest. these are some of the most wonderful days, but for me, they are also incredibly hard. never did i realize how challenging it would be to be a mom. russ and i went on a date the other night and i said, "bet you didn't think i would be a mom like this when you married me." the majority of the time we talked about how frustrated i am. i started the conversation with, "i need more Jesus. i need so much more Jesus." in my attempt not to get overwhelmed with three kids, i pushed out some of the things that were keeping me in His Word. bible study fellowship and one of the prayer ministries with my church. "that would be too much", i thought. when yes, it might have been a lot, but to not have it has probably been worse. the organization and accountability of bsf helps keep me disciplined. i like having a study to help me. if not, then, keeping with the honesty, i often just let it go. i started out doing a  discipleship group a few months ago, and stopped when samuel was real colicky in the evenings (turned out he was allergic to milk), and they passed out journals and a bunch of readings, and i thought... just one more thing i cannot keep up with. i cannot keep up with it all. too much. too much. too much. i often long to live in a completely different time when there just wasn't all of this stuff. yet at the same time i know how much i enjoy so many things available to us now. sometimes it feels like it is closing in on me.

after said date with russ, in an attempt at discipline, russell removed all of the girl's toys out of the house. they woke up to no toys. after explaining if they could not play sweet and be kind to one another, then they could not have toys, they really didn't have much a problem with it. actually some of the day was still spent with, "she's touching me!" and "i don't want to smell that" (referring to something the other was eating). most of those toys are still out in the garage - however, since then christmas came and went so there are some piles again. i am going to give most of the toys in the garage away... they don't even really care about what's out there anyhow. isn't that sad? so much stuff that it doesn't matter? give it to someone who will care i say. and then at the same time the Spirit gently prods me that i have so much stuff a lot of it doesn't matter to me. aren't i just like my three year olds in many ways? i'm going in a lot of different directions here. my lack of the Word flowing in of course effects what pours out of me. how can i expect to have the fruits of the Spirit when i don't meditate on His Word? when i don't count it worthy enough to be my daily bread. what i absolutely NEED in order to get through each day. He is teaching me this with three kids. He is trying to teach me how much i need Him. He won't just let me stay where i am. He loves me too much.

i titled this post spanking and crying because i have been doing and hearing a lot of both lately. i've been listening to some focus on the family stuff (i say that like i do it often). meaning i heard one program the other night while sewing when russ was out of town. this one was on "discipling" your children. i'm trying to figure out some other methods of dealing with misbehavior - dealing with the heart issues, that get through to them. people say be consistent and it will eventually get through. consistency stinks when you feel like it isn't changing anything. but i know His Word tells me there is definitely a place for spanking. but i also know i need better discernment about what situations to use it in. consistency stinks when you are letting your 3 month old cry in his crib to learn to sleep because you are so sleep deprived you can barely function. another thing i don't like being consistent with. especially when you don't really know if it's the right thing to do.

russell, i love you so much.
emma, abby, and samuel, i love you so much.

and yet, to be honest, as i say that i know i fall so short of the standard of love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says, "love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. it does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. love never ends." is my love even remotely like this? and i know it can't even begin to unless i die to myself. and isn't that what being a wife and mother is all about? thank you God that you are so merciful and gentle. thank you for continuing to not let me go.

look for an upcoming post as to why there are no pictures for the next few blogs...